Chocolate or vanilla? New York or LA? Edward or Jacob? Life is filled with hard choices. Filled. And I am amazing at picking the right ones. I’m, like, the Dalai Lama of the Judgment Call. Wait… is that redundant? You get my point. I’m really good a making good choices. Really, what I’m trying to say is… I’m perfect. I never screw up. I can’t go wrong.
Have I lost you yet?
Even though I’m (sort of) joking, this is how I can walk through my day if I’m not careful. I sometimes think I’m invincible and I forget to check myself. That’s how you wreck yourself, people. Don’t wreck yourself! Am I the only one?
Today, I could’ve wrecked myself. Today, I had to make a tough decision. One that I thought I already made. I already spent time thinking about it, why I was choosing to go with A instead of B, the consequences of each. And I was fine with it. Completely and utterly. And then, in one tiny look, one miniscule hesitation that I barely noticed in a conversation that I really didn’t want to be having anyway, my original decision was turned upside down. I found myself making excuses in order to condone Decision A. My mind was spinning. I was silently (and thoroughly) defending my own honor. To me. What’s that about?
I have to go through this again.
So, I had a hard conversation, one that made me answer questions I really didn’t want to answer. To someone with whom I’d really prefer to keep my spotless track record in tact. (Yeah, I just used “with whom”… I can’t help it.) I was a little annoyed, a little proud. I like to think I make good decisions. That my judgment is not second-guessed by … well, anyone. I am, after all, a responsible adult and can lead my life in any manner I choose. So I should just do what I want, right? Well, I listened carefully to my friend’s feedback. And then promptly requested the opinion of another (maybe wiser?) friend. Same recommendation.
Dang. Two against one. That’s, like, the definition of a loss, right?
I learned today, for real, that appearances are just as important as the actions themselves. And if I don’t look like I’m walking the proverbial Walk, even if I really am, no one will believe the Talk. Well, who cares, right? I do. I care. Plus, my emotions are written all over my face. I literally am the worst liar ever. So serious. It’s painfully obvious how I feel about everything (which is how I could straight up lie to you at the top of this post).
So if I could leave you with one thing from today, it would be this: if you find yourself defending yourself… to yourself… then you probably need to rethink… yourself. Or something.
Stupid gut feelings.